Who I Was:
Emeli Sande’s song “Clown” brings me to reality… I’ve always felt like instead of boosting me up, taking my side, those around me used me as entertainment. Those that were miserable and unhappy in their lives brought down my mood, or self image, because they knew they could.
Instead of returning their opinions I held on to them and let them determine who I was, how I’d act, or how much I’d shut down. I’d then create a solace place for just me and my thoughts. I smiled, ignored it, and never stood up for myself. Each instance only showed them they could get away with it because they knew I wouldn’t fight back..
Who I Am:
Hearing Emeli sande’s song “Read All About It” couldn’t have been heard at a better time. This is my life story. worrying about saying something wrong was just a part of it. I worried that who I was was wrong. Never accepted, fake friends, stabbing and chatting behind my back. Offering opinions that were not requested: about my decisions, the way I dress, eat, and just the way I am period. So over the years I created a box. stayed in, and never shared with the world any talents I thought I had. Those close to me that would laugh only stifled my self-love even more. Not really sure where I went wrong, but I am now GETTING IT RIGHT! Emeli Sande’s words touched me. She put into lyrics how I feel.
This is my new mantra, motto, affirmation, or whatever you want to call it. No longer worried what people think. I am who I am. No longer afraid. Ready to share with the world what God has created me to be. I end with a previous post… a new poem…
Tired of pretending, smiling as if it doesn’t hurt
Trying not to cry took a lot of work
Allowed you all to mold me, becoming something that I’m not
Which is fearful, ashamed, and easily taunt
Accepted opinions instead of thrown them away
Created a hole, empty, shallow enough for air, and colorlessly grey
Force fed by your approval, confidence devoured, all of me erased
Picked every small piece as words were spat in my face
Nothing ever right, just a shell, walking along
No place for me, every puzzle piece was wrong
My routine for so long, till the hole rejected me
You don’t belong here, theres something you should see
A world meant for you, and all of your wonderful beauty
A canvas to paint your colors, loud colors completely consuming
A dance floor meant only for your feet
The world an instrument to play, as others take a seat
My life feels half over, and I’m tired of wasting time
I want to be who I am, only making decisions that are mine
Fighting back by speaking out and loving who I’ve become
Living beautifully free – capturing an existence undone.
Patricia Marie 14’